“Piranha 3D” is a remake of 1970’s “Piranha” and, not that it’s really that important, is about a lake that becomes populated by thousands of pre-historic piranha’s just in time for spring break.
From a strictly film quality standard, “Piranha 3D” is awful. It’s one step above a Syfy Channel movie. (But with better effects) It’s an exploitation film and a sorry excuse to see lots of topless women getting eaten. The dialog is horrible and the acting is laughable.
But, from a purely entertainment standard, it’s right up there with the campy sci-fi B-movies from the 60’s and 70’s. (Which would make sense cause that’s what the original was.) If you go in looking for the laugh you’ll find it. It’s hilarious and the T&A and gore is so over the top that that’s all you can do.
Within the first five minutes we get the first kill, Richard Dreyfuss as fisherman Matt Boyd. (Which just happens to be the name of his character in “Jaws.” Coincidence?!?) This is also the most bloody and graphic death in the movie, at least death by piranha.
We have to wait another 50 minutes for the real carnage to begin; once it starts it doesn’t stop. And some of the best deaths aren’t even from the flesh-eating fish. Here are my top 3:
- A girl is parasailing (topless, of course) and she’s waiting in the water. When the boat finally starts to go and pull her up her legs are gone and her organs are falling out.
- A jackass in a motor boat is trying to get to shore when a girl’s hair gets caught around the propeller. Instead of being calm and rational and untangling her hair the jackass starts the motor and the girls entire face gets pulled off.
- When everyone tries to climb onto some floating scaffolding to get out of the water a cable snaps and cuts a girl in half. You aren’t really sure what happened until you see her top half slide off of the bottom. It was awesome.
I also have to give some props for the casting. First, Richard Dreyfuss because this is obviously supposed to be reminiscent of “Jaws.” (Did you see the poster?) Second, Christopher Lloyd plays the wise old fish expert who explains the danger of the piranha. And lastly Jerry O’Connell as Douchy McDouchenstein, I mean Derrick Jones, a “Girls Gone Wild”-esque movie director.
You have to go into this movie with the right frame of mind. You have to have a sense of humor about it all and not take any of it seriously. There’s a lot of nakedness which is unnecessary but what I expect from this type of film. (Who knew piranhas like the taste of silicone so much?) It’s a B-movie in a shiny wrapper. And the 3D only adds to the camp and cheese that makes this movie fun. Not good, just fun.
Oh, I don’t want to spoil anything, but the last 30 seconds … GENIUS.
For a little more fun here is video from funnyordie introducing “Piranha 3D” to academy awards voters:
- ‘Piranha 3D’: Run, don’t walk, to see this fun horror flick (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
- Piranha 3D: With extra flesh, both eaten and unclothed (thestar.com)
- Five Things You Need to Know About Piranha 3D (eonline.com)
- Piranha 3D Ready to Eat Girl on Floatie (screenhead.com)