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random reviews and other thoughts

It’d Be Better with a Unicorn

In honor of Unicorn Appreciation Day on April 25, I wanted to create of list of the greatest unicorn movies of all time. Unfortunately I could only find two. As much as I’d enjoy writing about the awesome animation of “The Last Unicorn” or how badass Tim Curry is as the devil in “Legend,” I came up with a different idea.

Here are some movies that would’ve been better if they’d had a unicorn in them:

Casablanca
In the end, Rick convinces Ilsa she needs to leave without him. They say their famous goodbye, then she climbs on the back of a flying unicorn and takes off into the night. It’s a classic.

Interview with a Unicorn
Louis has lived for centuries as a unicorn and one day sits down with a human reporter to share his story of love, betrayal, and loneliness.

Hornz n the Wood
The dramatic saga of a group of childhood friends (and unicorns) and the day-to-day discrimination they face growing up in the South Central wood.

Titanic
The finest cruise ship ever sets off on its maiden voyage but disaster strikes when it collides with the horn of a unicorn who’s taking a casual swim across the Atlantic.

Fatal Attraction
Dan has an affair with Alex, but when he tries to call it off, she goes a little crazy and decides to make soup out of Dan’s daughter’s pet Unicorn.

The Wizard of Oz
The Wicked Witch of the West’s sister is murdered by a mid-westerner who doesn’t get the Weather Channel, and she sends out her evil flying unicorns to find her and bring her to justice.

Die Hard
John McClane is at his wife’s company Christmas party when a terrorist, Horns Gruber, shows up and – what am I thinking? Nothing could make “Die Hard” better. It’s already perfect.

Citizen Kane
A publishing tycoon dies and the world goes crazy trying to decipher the meaning of his last word, “Rosebud.” The twist: it’s the name of the stuffed unicorn toy he loved as a child.

Dude, Where’s My Unicorn?
Two friends get drunk and forget where they left their unicorn. What? They couldn’t make it worse!

The Godfather
When you wake up and find a unicorn head in your bed you know the mafia means business.

A Few Good Men
In the climactic courtroom sceen Jack Nicholas delivers one of his most famous lines, “You want unicorns, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE UNICORNS!”

Twilight
Bella must choose between Edward, a cold and brooding vampire, or Jacob, a hot-headed were- … unicorn? Wait, I take that back, nothing could save these movies.

Children of the (Uni)Corn
The children of Gatlin have all been possessed by an evil demon known as “He Who Has One Horn” and kill all the adults in town.

Dawn of the Dead
Zombie. Unicorns. I know they’re supposed to be immortal and whatever, but just think about it for a second. Awesome right?

Old Yeller
A loyal yellow lab adopts the Coates family and protects them from a group of rabid unicorns.


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Discussion

2 thoughts on “It’d Be Better with a Unicorn

  1. Ooh! I want to play.

    “CockShutter Unicorn II.”
    “1,000 Days of Bob Saget’s Unicorn.”
    “I Love Being Hit in the Face with Sweaty Unicorns.”

    Posted by Richard William Harin Jr. | April 26, 2011, 9:11 am

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  1. Pingback: The Commuter: Vol. 42 « Art in the Rye Design - June 18, 2011

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