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Stay Out of the Theater!

You know those movies that are so bad, so over-the-top cheesy, so ridiculously horrible that they go full circle in there crappiness and become good again, or craptastic if you will?

Shark Night 3D” isn’t one of those. It’s just bad.

Not bad … terrible. No, not terrible … but totally and utterly horrendous. Some might call it the blatant rape of ones eyes.

I’m as disappointed as anyone to say that. After last summer’s “Piranha 3D” I was really excited to see this  extravaganza of questionable taste. Unfortunately, the  filmmakers did something I didn’t see coming – they tried to make a serious horror film. Note to producers: you’re movie is about hundreds of sharks loose in Lousiana Bayou, realism shouldn’t be your goal.

For what it’s worth, the movie is about  a group of college students who take a weekend trip to the river, but a great white and some of his friends crash their party. How did they get there? How are they going to kill them? Who will survive? More importantly, does anyone care?

My favorite thing about blatant B-movies like “Piranha 3D” is that they aren’t supposed to be good films, they’re supposed to be entertaining films. “Shark Night 3D” is neither good nor entertaining.

So why was this movie so bad?

Let’s start with the story. Co-eds on vacation isn’t exactly groundbreaking material. I can live with unoriginality. But some things just insulted the audiences intelligence. One character loses his arm and a few pints of blood, he’s too weak to be transported to the hospital yet miraculously has enough strength to wrestle a hammerhead to death.

Really?!?

And I don’t want to spoil the ending but the writers decided to use the movie as a commentary on today’s society with a blatant social message. It’s unnecessary and just makes you roll your eyes.

Next, the effects. When the title has “3D” in it, I expect the effects to make up for the abysmal everything else. So you get the sharks charging the screen a few times but “Jaws 3D” did that nearly 30 years ago, and it did it better! With the exception of one shark’s brain matter exploding out the side of his head, which I have to agree with the kid sitting in front of me, was “totally awesome,” the added dimension did nothing for the film.

In case I was too subtle, “Shark Night 3D” is worthless excuse of a film. Do not waste your time, your money, and your brain cells on it. Save them for “Piranha 3DD,” which is only two months away!

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