First things first, I am not a Twi-hard. Yes, I’ve read all the books. Yes, I’ve seen all the movies. And yes, I have a slight obsession with vampires. But real vampires don’t sparkle!
That being said, OMG “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1” is really entertaining.
For those who care, the “Twilight Saga” is about human Bella (Kristen Stewart) who is in love with vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) but also has feeling for werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner). The bats and wolves don’t really get along so the love triangle causes lots and lots of drawn-out brooding and melodrama.
Following Harry Potter’s lead, the “Twilight” finale is broken up into two parts. “Breaking Dawn Part 1” is all set-up for “Part 2” which doesn’t hit theaters till Fall 2012. Here, Bella marries Edward, gets preggers with his demon spawn, and the bloodsucking coven have to fight the big bad wolf pack.
This movie has a lot of problems. Forget about the fact that Bella Swan is a horrible role model for young women, or that the first three films are really just foreplay leading up the big sex scene in “Breaking Dawn.” All the films are badly written, poorly acted, and take themselves way too seriously.
The film doesn’t waste anytime giving the 99% female audience what it wants, within the first 30 seconds we get a shirtless Jacob running through the rain, grief-stricken because the love of his life is into necrophilia. We then jump to wedding prep where, like the previous films, Bella’s dad Charlie (Billy Burke) steals every scene with the best lines and his excellent comedic timing.
After the nuptials, the happy couple then travels down to Rio de Janeiro for their honeymoon. Here comes the long-awaited sex scene. The build-up is long, drawn out, and super boring. You just want to scream “Do it already!”
Their are some humorous moments (intentionally, I believe) here, like Bella trying to get her flirt on and seduce Cedric Diggory … oops, I mean Edward, in a slinky black teddy.
Back in Washington we get more of the wolf pack and lovelorn Jacob pining away. Once he finds out Bella is pregnant we get one of the funniest scenes in the movie (unintentionally, I believe).
First we get to see his “wolf vision” running through the woods which is reminiscent of the tunnel scene from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Then once he meets up with the rest of the poorly CGI-ed mutts we get a lot of angry testosterone-driven voice-overs, including Alpha Sam that sounds remarkably like Optimus Prime.
There are classic romantic lines that rival “Hold on tight Spidermonkey” such as “We’ll get that thing out of you” and “How can I love that thing if it kills you!” Aww, just what every pregnant teen wants to hear from their baby-daddy.
I didn’t expect some of the truly disturbing and graphic physical transformations Bella goes through while pregnant and the baby is basically killing her from the inside out. She gets scary skinny, like Christian Bale in “The Machinist” skinny. And the delivery scene is just plain gross.
All that being said, I still really enjoyed myself, like I always do. Yes, they’re badly written, poorly acted, and take themselves way too seriously. But as long as you don’t take them too seriously and enjoy the campiness you’ll have a fun time.
There’s one good fight scene towards the end, and if you think there’s the slightest chance you’ll see “Part 2” next year you have to see this part. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry (cause you’re laughing so hard), you won’t be completely disappointed.
Oh, and be sure to stay through the credits for a scene with the Volturi that is ridiculously overacted!