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“Piranha” Is Back, But Not as Fun

I’m going to preface this review by saying that I do know the difference between good movies, and bad movies. “Piranha 3D” was, and is, a BAD movie. That doesn’t mean I still didn’t enjoy it. I loved that piece of trash! I had high hopes for the the sequel, “Piranha 3DD,” and that it would be equally as terrible, in a terribly good kind of way.

It’s just terrible.

This time around, a water park is getting ready for its season opening and the piranhas have figured out how to get in through the pipes and wreak havoc on the barely clothed patrons. I’d go into more detail about the plot line but let’s be honest, seeing this kind of movie for the story is like looking at a Playboy for the articles.

“Piranha 3D” was a fun ride. It was an exploitation film, definitely, but it didn’t take itself seriously and was just trying to entertain its audiences with its ludicrous story and ridiculous amount of carnage. “Piranha 3DD” lacked the same light-hearted spirit.

Whereas the first time around the characters were forgettable, though likable … okay, likable is a bit strong, let’s go with enjoy … no, tolerable, here they are detestable. I didn’t really root for anyone to come out alive.

The best scenes were the ones featuring the surviving cast from the first one. Christopher Lloyd reprises his role as the kooky scientist who can explain everything though no one listens to him. Except for the fans of his YouTube videos.

And Paul Scheer and Ving Rhames are back using the water park as a therapeutic tool to get back in the water because they’re still a little traumatized from the last time. I’d be a little shaky too if the last time I went for a swim a fish ate both my legs. Luckily, Rhames brought is titanium legs with the shotguns attached so, he’s ready.

David Koechner plays the owner of the park and if the bloody stumps littering the kiddy pool don’t make you vomit his character will. He’s revamped the parks image which includes a new slogan, “DD’s Get in Free!” He’s also created a new suit-optional adults only pool and replaced all the lifeguards with strippers … excuse me, I mean water-certified strippers. His death did not come soon enough.

I’m all for over-the-top blood and guts, when it’s done right. Here the CGI is just lazy. Heads getting sliced off and thrown through the air, half-eaten corpses washing up in the tide pool, I’ve seen better … from this franchise. What do you mean there’s no faces getting pulled off by boat propellers or parasailers getting dunked in the water and only half of them coming up? That was at least a little bit creative.

Some things in this movie were just unnecessarily gross. And I don’t mean David Hasselhoff running in slo-mo so his chest jiggles as much as the implant-friendly bimbos in the “adults only” pool. At one point a piranha finds his way into a skinny-dipper and later, while … umm … getting intimate with her boyfriend the little fishy … well … there’s no delicate way to put this, latches onto his penis and gets pulled out of her vagina. If that’s not an ad of pro-abstinence I don’t know what is.

Perhaps I’m just bitter because I didn’t get to enjoy this film in 3D on the big screen the way it was intended. “Piranha 3DD” was only released in about 100 theaters across the country and the closest one to me was in another state so I had to settle for renting the 2D version from amazon.com.

I never opt for the 3D version of films, unless it’s for an incredibly cheesy movie like this or “Drive Angry 3D.” These movie are the only way 3D should be used, with cliched gimmicks like a school of piranhas swimming towards the camera, or a plastic (and deadly) trident getting thrown, or a bloody arm getting spit up.

The best moments of “Piranha 3DD” are in the trailer. Except for the final death which was the only death that made me laugh even a little. The first one was fun and had a huge payoff once the fish, and flesh, started flying. Here we had 60 minutes of build-up including lots of nakedness, 10 minutes of bloody carnage, and 10 minutes of bloopers and credits.

I wanted “Piranha 3DD” to be craptastic! Instead, it was just crap.




2 thoughts on ““Piranha” Is Back, But Not as Fun

  1. Haha I love this!!!

    Posted by Kimberly | June 2, 2012, 9:46 pm


  1. Pingback: Snow White and The Huntsman and Piranhas « No Worries - June 2, 2012

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